We come to the end of this chapter and the end of our discussion of the husband and wife relationship. We see that Paul is indicating how we are going to walk in wisdom and show the beauty and significance of our relationship with Jesus Christ.  The wife is to subject herself to her husband. God signifies an order, this does not speak of inferiority but to an order that God has ordained. Next Paul commands the husband to love his wife after the same pattern of Christ’s love for his church. We are to love in such a way that we are willing to sacrifice our wants, desires, and needs in order to give our wives life. It is calling for radical effort. It is calling for us to get off the couch and tangibly love our wife.

The whole goal is the same as how Christ’s loves the church, and that is that husbands may sanctify their wives. There is such a devotion to Christ that regardless of what our wives do, we love them in such a way that they see Christ’s patience, self-control, gentleness, and persevering love, and that love changes them. The whole idea is that one day they will be presented before God and in that day of presentation the person that we have had the most intimate relationship and the most contact with we want God to use it for the spiritual good, and it will be shown in that day what kind of impact we have had on them.

In verses 28-30 we have those commands reiterated to the husband but the twist is that they are to love them as they care for their own bodies. And the idea is that we are now one body, or a unity, and should no longer think of ourselves as separate but as one. And you are to “nourish” you wife. You are to care for her in such a way that she is put in a place where she is able to grow spiritually. But that is impossible if you are not growing. You need to be the spiritual leader in your home and lead your family toward care. But this word is not suggesting a heavy hand, but a gentle and caring hand. The next word is “cherish.” The idea here is that she is to be the treasure of your life. So many couples really do not like one another anymore. The reason is that we stop noticing and appreciating the work of God in the other person. A person who cherishes another will help, encourage, and comfort another. Husbands, do you see your ministry to your wife as nourishing and cherishing? Would she describe your love with these words? Is it evident and beyond doubt in how you love her? And then in verse30 we have the truth that we belong to the body of Christ. It would be inconsistent for Christ not to care for his body, just like it would be absurd for a husband not to care for his wife.

Now we come to the last three verses we come to the whole issue of oneness or unity in the marriage. Men you are the key here. If you are going to have a spiritual unity in your marriage the key is how you lead. You lead in love and consideration with your wife. And the question for many men is how long until I start to see changes? And you’ve missed the point. The point is that you love her in this way regardless of whether she ever changes. God chooses to use this kind of Christ-like love to change wives, but the goal is to keep loving her in this way. Your goal and God’s will is to labor towards a spiritual oneness all the days of your life or until death brings your separation. And I want us to see two points this morning. I want us to see that God’s standards for marriage have not changed, and then secondly, I what us to see what marriage is to image forth. This is why it is so important that husbands and wives stop pointing fingers and start to live out God’s directives.

1. Spiritual unity sees the enduring nature of love. V.31

It is just like I said last time: there is no place for rivals in the marriage relationship. This is not a relationship plus another person.  It is just like the relationship with Jesus Christ and the church and the relationship that each of us has with God. One of the most popular terms to describe idolatry in the O.T. is adultery. The reason is that there is to be an exclusive love for God among His people. Our marriage relationship is to magnify that truth. It is not that even if my wife doesn’t like it I am going to go out with old high school friends. It is not that I share my heart with another woman because she just seems to get me. It is not that I just throw off any concerns that my wife might have of anyone of the opposite sex. I realize that any relationship that gives her insecurity is forfeited. There is an enduring nature to this relationship where rivals are not allowed to exist. And that enduring nature begins at the moment of marriage.           Look at what the Scripture says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife.” This really is the pinnacle of the passage. For what “reason?” He has commanded husbands to love as Christ love and as they love their own bodies, knowing that we belong to the body of Christ, and now emphasizes that they are one flesh. Because God calls for this intimate Christ-centered love where there is oneness we read this command in the O.T. There is oneness in the marriage relationship. This is a quotation taken from Genesis 2:24 where the woman is taken from the side of Adam and is made a helper or companion to man, and then we have this conclusion.  As you look at these words we recognize that it this idea to live in union; and oneness has always been God’s intention in marriage. In fact, we are even told in Malachi 2:16 that God hates divorce. There is a joining of two lives. And this is not talking primarily about the physical relationship in marriage, because the idea of leaving father and mother would make no sense. As the man leaves that intimate relation with his parents, he leaves them. And the idea is that he abandons them. It is a very strong term. And God is not indicating that there is no care or concern for one’s parents, but the idea is that there is a complete severing of loyalties when it comes to this new relationship that the man is entering into. Parents many times compete for loyalties in the marriage relationship with their adult children. Some people do not leave home or if they are unhappy with their spouse they complain to their parents. There is a leaving of the parents. And if you are parents and you see things that you do not like, don’t step into the relationship. You will want to be a cause of blessing in their lives but end up being a greater hindrance.

Look at the second half of the verse:  “And shall be joined to his wife.” The key word here is “joined.” The idea behind this word is that they are cemented together. It is word that is used of welding metals together.  The KJV has a rhythm in this verse by using the word “cleave.” The husband is to leave and cleave. The most significant relationship when he was growing up was with his parents but now he is to be cemented to his wife.  And the meaning is really brought out to bear in last part of the verse: “And the two shall become one flesh.” The man and the woman are two independent entities with two different families before they got married but they leave their families and become one after they are married. And now they are cemented together. They each still have their distinctiveness but they are no longer to be thought of as separate. The old personality is not broken but enhanced and transformed through this unity. That is God’s design in marriage.

You know it is a real shame that many times we know these truths but have simply not applied these truths to our marriages. Individuals in the marriage do not labor and work at creating this one flesh relationship. We look at the call of love that cements the marriage together and as we grow in our knowledge and joy of the love of Christ, and recognize how sinful I am and how deep the love of Jesus really is, the overflow of that should be a greater love for my spouse. But such is not the case in many and maybe even in most marriages. Instead of growing in love where we love our spouses more than we did when we first got married, many marriages have become stale and no more than living together, but there is no joy, and I believe one of the primary reasons is that there is such a lack of focus on Christ. We become so judgmental, and think we are so spiritual that if my spouse was half the person I am then we’d have no battles, and never see the pride and arrogance. I am surprise how many men talk down at their wives as if they are children rather than listening and responding in gentleness. For many couples there is no oneness and there has not been a growing in the bond of love and that one flesh relationship.

Still for others they daydream of what it would be like to be single, or what it would be like if I didn’t marry so and so. They fanaticize about an exit strategy.  And in all those daydreams we sanitize the outcome. So many contemplate a way out of the relationship and even justify those thoughts. God wants me to happy. I can’t imagine living like this for the rest of my life, and they do not see that God does want you to have a fulfilling marriage, but it is in living out this one flesh relationship. Listen to what Jesus says in this passage because he basically says the same thing but emphasizes it differently in Matt. 19: 6, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” This passage says that God is the one who sovereignly joined you to your spouse. It is not a mistake that you are married to him or her. The problem is not the person you married but the ability to not see yourself in the midst of your marriage biblically. It is by seeing that the greatest problem in your marriage has not been your spouse but your sin. Every embittered word that you have ever spoken has added to what your marriage is today. Every thoughtless act and silent treatment or dredging up of the past has added to where you are today. But there is good news. God never shows us our sin just to disgust us or depress us but to change us.

After years of marriage, so many couples do not love one another in a more complete and deeper way than they ever have before. Your marriage can be different. But have to leave all the allegiances of your heart, and cleave to your spouse. And husbands you have to take the leadership in all of this.

2. In unity we see the eternal purpose of marriage. V.32-33.

I think one of the most damaging things in marriage is selfishness and the inability to see how selfish each person is. The wife will willingly submit if she gets everything she wants. The husband will love if she will just stop nagging. And many do not see that much of the verbal battles in marriage have to do with what the sinful heart wants. If we would get clear in our hearts that there are eternal pictures and purposes that I am to live out as a husband or wife. And it is these eternal purposes and mysteries that should captivate our hearts and allegiances. If you respond to your spouse in a sinful way you will probably find sinful selfishness not far away. Do you ever see the eternal purposes that you are to live out?

Look at verse 32: “This mystery is great.” The mystery here is the church and Christ’s love for the church. The mystery was discussed in chapter three. Look at 3:6. The mystery that was unknown in the Old Testament but made known by revelation is Jew and Gentile in one body with equal standing in this new entity. There is nothing greater or more outstanding that through the work of Christ and through Him we are in the closest and most secure relationship with Him. And look how Paul makes this clear: “but I am speaking with reference to Christ and His church.” There is a glorious love relationship. Christ died for His own and he did that not by being forced or coerced but voluntarily. He today makes intercession for the saints. It is an amazing love, but the love is not amazing because we are lovable but precisely the opposite. We are not worthy of his love. And now the church seeks to make much of Christ because the church loves Christ because of this great love. As John states it in 1John, “We love Him because He first loved us.” His love is foundational.

This is the mystery that husbands and wives are to live out. Husbands your love is to be extravagant. It is to be over the top. You never love your wife too much. You are to shower her with love. You are to exhaust yourself with love, and the strength of that love is not who your wife is or what you will get from her, but because the love of Christ is so appealing and so wondrous to you. Wives, the strength of your devotion and submissive heart is looking to Christ and responding to Christ as the church responds to Christ. Christ is central in all our activities in the church, in our teaching, and in our praises. As you live for your husband you show how Jesus Christ is worthy of all of our lives. Christ is central.

Now he brings everything to a conclusion in verse 33, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself.” The word “nevertheless” is intended to bring the discussion to an end and to emphasize what we need to remember.  And he reverses the order by commanding the husbands first of all. They ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Notice that Paul changes to the singular through this closing verse. The reason why is that every husband and wife needed to apply this passage to their own lives. They need to read these words personally. These were not just commands given to the leadership of the church. They are for all believers. There is never a day that you have off of loving your wife. There is never a day where you are called to do what is not reciprocated, and what is not deserved. There is never a day where you can just coast through your marriage.  There is never a day where you are not called for some personal sacrifice.  Men I am pleading with you not to forget your calling in marriage.

Look at the end of the verse: “and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” The idea behind the Greek word for “respect” is actually fear, and just like we do not cower from Christ but fear him, the meaning is reverence. And again it is not based upon your husband’s response. You are to respect and reverence your husband as you love, respect and fear Christ. I am so surprise how some wives talk so openly about their husbands in such a comical way as if they are idiots or don’t have a clue or speak about them with such disrespect that you have to wonder how they talk to them in private. Wives, do you respect and reverence your husband out of obedience to Christ? It is not that you cannot but if Christ commands you, it is that you will not. Again, the problem is not your husband but your lack of love for Christ. You must see Him and revel in His love.

It should be apparent as we go through this passage that the key to a successful marriage is worship. We are married to a sinner and we were never made to find joy and satisfaction in them but in God. When we find Him as the delight of our life, it is amazing how that strengthens the relationship. Good marriages are always built vertically before they are built horizontally. When our marriages are built on worship then we start to ask, how does God want me to respond to this situation, and stop trying to do His work. We think by the change in the tone or volume of our voice, or the persuasiveness of our arguments, or the use of threat that we can bring change to our marriages. We are trying to do what only God can do in his grace, and it leads to frustration and discouragement and we stop responding the way God wants you to respond.

And here is the wonderful way that your marriage is built by worship and what this passage is about. You want to give the other person the same grace, patience, mercy, love, kindness that has been given to you by Christ. When we become self-righteous we no longer see that grace. The other person is a debtor but I am not. Self-righteous people do not give out grace because they do not see that they have been given grace, but what they want it justice. So many marriages are filled with two self-righteous people worshiping the god of self. God wants you to worship Him and it will change you in the midst of the greatest gift that God has given you outside of marriage. God has meant for marriage to be one of the chief sanctification agents in your life. Live with this passage in mind. Live your marriage with a worship mentality.